on celebration
this is a long form exploration of a prompt, inspired by Mimi Zhu aka @mimizhuxiyuan
from another post:
today is my birthday, and i've been feeling weird and sensitive about it all week! i couldn't really place why, but i knew it was coming from a place of fear and scarcity. i've been afraid to ask people to celebrate or show up for me, thinking that it's too much to ask. today it clicked
birthdays feel like involuntary deep dives into inner child work! it's re-exploring all the insecurities i felt as a kid; feeling like i'm too much and also not enough; especially on a day that is supposed to celebrate me, where i had hopeful expectations that sometimes were dashed. i always saw this day through the eyes of other people instead of myself; a day to prove i am important to others. though i tend to forget that i am also important to myself- both deeply matter!
i also struggle with celebration— and it’s something i feel is unique to the “adult” experience
birthdays are especially difficult for me as an adult (or whatever that means), and I always wondered why that is… because it almost feels inevitable at this point. this theme also reminds me of a line from ocean vuong’s On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous when he says,
the thing is, i don't want my sadness to be othered from me just as i don't want my happiness to be othered. they're both mine, i made them, dammit
emotional ownership
i guess is what i’m getting at here… and the question of why are we (why am i) more comfortable owning my downs than my ups?